I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
