hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
