I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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