I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
