he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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