I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
