to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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