one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
