from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
