Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
