Me. At least after what I've been through.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
