you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize