see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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