After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize