Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
