My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
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