She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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