i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
