Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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