It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Randomize
