I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
