the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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