I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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