Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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