I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
