You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
