i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
