you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
