It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
