I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
