my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
