I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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