So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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