I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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