I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
