I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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