i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
