recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
