can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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