My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
