my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
