Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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