I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
