Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
