her vagine was all disorganized.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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