Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
