This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
