WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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