it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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