I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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