mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
