we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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