Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My life is pants optional.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
